so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Come share oat with me in your robe
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
