I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
