Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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