is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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