Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize