now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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