We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
