I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
