We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
