i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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