Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
