and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
