I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
