i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
