i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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