i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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