he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
