You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
