I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
