I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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