I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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