if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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