3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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