She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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