Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
