barbara walters just said penis...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
