just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
