i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
