I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
