we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
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We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
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Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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