I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
All I want is dick and wine.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
