So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
