How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
