My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I would fuck him just for his dog
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