This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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