I met the friendliest cop last night
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
