I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Is it because I queefed?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
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just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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