Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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