Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
