How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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