Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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