I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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