I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
