If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
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So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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