There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
