Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
