I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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