HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My liver just broke up with me...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
