I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
