break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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