Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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