ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
