I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
