How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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