I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
